Helping a child who is already frightened of the dentist
Once a child has decided the dentist is frightening, telling them it is fine does not work. Here is what does, including the two things parents do with the best intentions that make it worse.
There is a difference between a child who has never been to a dentist and a child who has decided the dentist is frightening.
The first is straightforward. The second needs a different approach, because reassurance does not work on a fear that already exists. Telling a frightened child that there is nothing to worry about mostly tells them that you do not understand the problem.
Here is what actually helps.
Start earlier than the appointment
Tell them it is happening. Not on the way there.
Turning up unannounced feels kind at the time. It is the single most damaging thing you can do, because it teaches a child that dental appointments are something adults spring on you without warning. After that, every car trip becomes suspicious.
A day or two of notice suits most children. A very anxious child sometimes does better hearing it the same morning, so there is less time to build it up. What matters is that they heard it from you.
Do not promise nothing will happen. If you say "you are just having a look" and a filling turns out to be needed, you have spent trust you will need at every visit for the next ten years.
Say what you actually know. The dentist is going to look at your teeth and count them. If they find something that needs fixing, they will tell us about it and we will decide together.
Watch the words very carefully
This is where the best-intentioned parents most often go wrong.
Avoid hurt, pain, needle, drill and injection. Avoid them even in reassurance, because "it will not hurt at all" contains the word hurt, and that is what a child keeps. You have just introduced a possibility they had not considered.
Be careful with brave too. Telling a child they are being brave quietly informs them that this is a situation requiring bravery, which is not what you meant.
Use small accurate words instead. Counting teeth. Having a look. Riding in the chair that goes up and down. A special toothbrush that tickles.
If you are stuck for vocabulary, listen to how we talk in the room and borrow it.
Keep it the same people
Familiarity does more for an anxious child than any technique.
Where we can, we book the same dentist and the same assistant each time, at a similar time of day, in the same room. That sounds minor and it is not. A frightened child is scanning for what has changed, and the fewer new things there are, the less scanning they have to do.
Morning appointments generally go better than late afternoon ones. A tired child has fewer reserves.
Practise at home, honestly
Play it out before the day, and let them be the dentist on you first. That part is usually the most popular.
Keep the props gentle and true to life. A toothbrush, a mirror, somewhere to lie back, and lots of counting out loud. No drilling noises, no pretending anything hurts, no jokes about pulling teeth out. The aim is that when they arrive, nothing in the room is new.
Mind your own face
Children read the adult before they read the room. If you are tense in the waiting room, they will know before anybody has said a word.
A lot of parents are genuinely frightened of dentists themselves, usually because of how they were treated as children. There is no judgement in that at all. But it transmits, and often the child's fear is inherited rather than earned.
If that is you, tell us when you book. We can speak to your child directly rather than through you, seat you where they cannot study your expression, and slow everything down. That works far better than trying to hide it.
What we do differently for an anxious child
Nothing happens without being explained first. Every instrument gets shown, named and often demonstrated on a finger before it goes near a mouth.
A stop signal, agreed before we start. Usually a raised hand, and it works every time it is used. For a child, being able to stop something is often the entire difference between possible and impossible.
The first visit may involve nothing. Sitting in the chair, meeting us, having a ride up and down, and going home. If that is what the day allows, that is a success. One completely uneventful visit on the record is worth more than one look taken by force.
We do not push. If a child is not ready and there is no pain or infection to deal with, we stop and try again another day. Forcing a routine appointment buys one examination and costs years of cooperation.
There is more about how we run these on our children's dentistry page. And if the fear is severe, or there is treatment that genuinely cannot wait, there are sedation options we can talk through.
Afterwards
Praise the specific thing they did rather than the whole event. You opened your mouth when she asked. You sat still the whole time.
And be careful with rewards. A treat is fine, but a large one signals that they survived something dreadful, which is the message you are trying to avoid. Sugary rewards after a dental visit also have an obvious problem.
The long game
You are not trying to get through Tuesday. You are trying to raise an adult who books check-ups without dread.
Most adults who avoid dentists trace it to childhood. Getting this right now is worth a great deal of patience, and a first visit that achieves almost nothing is not a wasted appointment.
Read more: Scared of the dentist? It is not the pain you are afraid of
Dental anxiety FAQ
How far in advance should I tell my child about an appointment?
Enough that it is not a surprise, and not so far that they worry for a fortnight. For most children a day or two is about right, and for a very anxious child sometimes the morning of. What matters most is that you told them, because a child taken somewhere unannounced learns that this is a thing adults spring on you.
What words should I avoid?
Hurt, pain, needle, drill, injection, and any sentence containing the phrase it will not hurt, because the word hurt is the part that lands. Also be careful with brave, which quietly tells a child there is something here requiring bravery. Use plain descriptions instead: counting teeth, having a look, riding in the chair.
Should I stay in the room?
Usually yes for younger children, and it depends for older ones. Some children are calmer without an audience, and some parents unintentionally raise the tension. We will read it on the day and suggest what looks like it is working, and there is no wrong answer.
My child had a bad experience elsewhere. What should I do?
Tell us before the appointment, and tell us what actually happened. It changes how we plan the visit entirely. Often the right first appointment involves no treatment at all, just meeting us and sitting in the chair, so the child gets one completely uneventful visit on the record.
What if my child will not cooperate at all?
Then we do not force it, unless there is genuine pain or infection that has to be dealt with. Forcing through a routine appointment buys one look and costs years of cooperation. We would far rather build it up over several short visits.
